I just became so present to my fear of falling, which ultimately is a fear of dying.
But dying is not linear, it is not final and complete, it is cyclical. It’s snake medicine, Ouroboros. Snake medicine has been filling my life, waking and sleeping. Caapi vines flood my dreams, I feel myself pulled to and communing with the dark goddess, Kali Ma. I am awakening my Kundilini, and every time I journey I am greeted by a white serpent. I am shedding skins and parts of myself more rapidly than ever before. And literally snake medicine is finding me outside, in the garden, in rivers, I see her everywhere. She is my darkness, she is the churning emotions of sadness, grief, pain, anger, that I resist being with. She is the dark water and waves, that I fear going under. For I fear if I enter them fully, that I may not come back up. That I may not make it out. That I will be completely consumed and die from the experience. I do not trust myself to fall apart and then get back up.
But I have an abundance of evidence that I can and will rise again. This whole year, I have fallen, heart-broken, world shattered or slowly crumbling apart, time and time again. I have felt and experience more grief, heart-break, and loss in a condensed period of time than the collective sum of my life. I know and have embodied experiences of the joy, the total release, the energy, the p o w e r, on the other side of feeling my pain. And yet I resist it, I fight it, I fear it, I avoid it, until the moment I finally choose it.
And my god, when I choose it, it eats me alive. Itconsumes me completely and I devour it. Sucking the marrow from the bones of the experience, all within a rapid amount of time. I am a woman with a hunger that can swallow anything whole, putting into my belly, gestating, digesting it, and then transmuting it and rebirthing it in to the world in a form that has never been seen before.
Maybe there is a sustenance, a nourishment that I crave, that we all need, that can only be found, in the willingness to swallow ourselves whole. To eat up our reality, to surrender to the knowing and wisdom of death. Truly its unavoidable, so I open myself, and will continue this work, of submitting to the intelligence and potency of the renewal that happens when I go in (w)holy.